The wonderful world of me!

another day

2005-02-26T23:22:00.000-06:00

so I have been really lax on not eating, and eating healthy, even my excercising has gone down a little bit since wednesday. I went running wednesday morning, then night, and then thursday morning, and I did my stretches and ever since I have been too tired to do it, and I have been eating like any normal human who doesn't care what they look like

I am just so fearful I am going to look like my mom! It runs in her family and I hate it I absolutly hate it! big asses and fat waists with huge chests, I would give my chest up as long as I wouldn't have to get the ass and the waist.

I WANT TO BE SKINNY! I have even thought about starting to throw up after meals. anything, I feel so desperate! I know it is horribly gross and is bad for me, but I am desperate.

I am lost and swirling in a pool of nothingness and everyone just seems to stand around the edge of the pool pointing and laughing as if they pushed me in and they love to see me drown! No one can just leave me alone, I got so fed up and I freaked out on my bro yesterday, serves him right, but he is already so dead inside that he has no compassion for anything I am going through.

ARGH!!!! [now I am going to cry] I love french it is such a beautiful language, even when it is depressing what you are saying

m'offrir l'adieu pour le matin se sent comme s'il ne doit pas venir (bid me farewell for the morning feels as if it shouldn't come)

It Hurts so much!

2005-02-23T22:49:00.000-06:00

I feel so empty inside, and I thought loosing weight would help, but it really doesn't!

I lost an inch around my waist adn 8lbs just from eating less, eating healthier when I do eat, and excercising like crazy!

But it is so much work, stopping eating would be easier, but it doesn't promise results right away and I need this to happen so I have to work my ass off for it!

I keep having these bleak dreams of death darkness and desolation....where there is nothing left at the end but ash, and I know exactly what it means, and I am so scared to sleep now....I feel dead inside when I am awake, but I experience what I feel when I am asleep and it scares the fucking hell out of me!

I really need help......but according to the shrinks I am perfectly fine and I am jsut a "normal teenager" whatever normal is!

atleast it is a 3 day weekend this weekend, no school friday, and an early out tommorrow! So maybe I can accomplish stuff, and maybe once I figure out where I am going to school I will start feeling better.

ok well I am getting super tired and I do want to sleep, just pray I don't have any bad dreams! any tips on any of this?

Where is the Balance?

2005-02-18T00:03:00.000-06:00

gosh ok, today was just crazy and everything is piling up sometimes there is alot of things to do and others there is nothing to do. but then ofcourse there is never time to do anything that really needs to get done! There is no balance to this crazy life of mine!

I am finally doing pretty well at excercising regularly and now I am starving myself, and I have no sleep and last night I had about an hour worth of sleep because I had a paper I had to write, and I was so hungry the whole time today and yesterday! I barely ate:

Monday: Pretzel, milk
Tuesday: Cheesy Tuna Pasta, 1 piece of fried shrimp and a few french fries
Wednesday: 2 bites of a hoagie, a mini valentine little debbie cake, a piece of cheesy garlic bread, and some slimfast mixed wiht milk and coffee to keep me up.
Thursday: Pretzel, Boston Cream Roll (like a swiss cake roll) and a bowl of malt-o-meal

That is not alot for what I usually used to eat. and I have turned down so much food this week, I turned down my fav candy this morning.....but I really want to loose this weight, actually I have decided to just loose inches, weight I could care less abotu as long as I am skinny and I feel like I am in good shape!

but I feel so guilty for starving myself and at the same tiem telling my friend that she needs to eat! I almost passed out from lack of food and lack of sleep this morning, but I made it, I just had a killer headache! I just want my stomach to shrink already, the smaller it gets the less I can eat at a time, the better!

I have one friend that I tell everything to and she is the type of friend who doesn't really care, like I tell her I am starving myself and she says ok whatever good for you. and I was thinking that I wish I had a friend more like me, someone who would knock some sense into me and make me feel special.....but I really don't, nto one that I realize atleast.

Me starving myself seems a little bit like a plea for attention, but it really isn't, it is my need to find a balance in my life and to figure out why the hell god put me here, and where I am suppose to be, I need to feel better about myself, and I just don't know how and this is just another way I am trying to find myself!

well I do need to go to sleep! so goodnight!

so today!

2005-02-14T17:08:00.000-06:00

gosh now that I have braces it should be easier to not eat! They put my top ones on today and afterwards my mom took off for work and asked me to figure something out for supper, well I went to the store and I called home to see if something was what my bros liked and they inform me that my dad has just gotten home with bratwurst! 1) I hate bratwurst 2) I can't eat something that tough right after getting these things on, my braces are so sensitive! My dad even knew I was getting braces, but because he was such the perfect child he never had braces and has no clue what I am going through!

I don't mind braces, it is just annoying that all my friends know and remember about it but my own father can't even remember and be sensitive to the fact that I can't eat such hard foods! O well so I bought some tuna helper, I looked at the calories starting with 3 cheese hamb helper and I ended up with cheesy tuna, I looked at like 6 different boxes and cheesy tuna helper was hte one with the least calories and then I will grab my pedometer and go running later and work of the calories, or I will hit the stationary bike and work it off!

Last night I covered my bedroom wall with workouts from all my seventeen magazines, and then last night I had a horrible dream about loosing weight.

In the dream I was running and I felt really good, but I kept seeing this creepy guy, and then I ran past one of hte aids from the school and she stopped me and asked what I was doing, and I explained that I needed to loose 30 lbs by april 23 and she was all like, yeah so what are you going to do once you have lost the weight? I said get my belly button pierced and she was like 'well I did that and then my piercing made all my skin and guts shift to the side so now I look like this' and I looked and her stomach area was all messed up, and I said 'well I will keep my abs in shape and I won't have loose skin that will shift like that'

anyways, I know that can't really happen, but the dream just freaked me out, cuz I was getting skinny in the dream and then she says this to me and I felt really good in the dream until she said that, I wish I could feel that good when I run in real life!

well I gotta run, stuff to do......check ya'll later! BTW what do you think of my page...I was just messing around and thought it was really cool!

Messed up me!

2005-02-13T11:56:00.000-06:00

so I of all ppl shouldn't have a messed up world! I have it easy I have it grand.....many ppl can only dream of the life I have....a great family, good community.....The downfall you ask? Few friends, and apparently I am not attractive, I find myself constantly wondering why I am disliked, I like myself, and many times I think I look good and I feel great about myself, but then everything comes crashing down and it is because someone else doesn't think the same thing, and yeah I know I shouldn't rely on what others say and that the ones that matter are the ones that think I am beautiful, but it is just so hard.

It occurs to me that addicts, most of the time know exactly what they are getting themselves into. I constantly make the choice as to whether or not to swallow my whole bottle of pain killers, and many times I take a dbl my dosage because it feels like it can help...even though it really doesn't. or like my friend who is very anerexic, she knows what she is doing to herself and she is trying to stop it now that she sees that it has almost killed her, or atleast made her comatose. BUT I see her doing this and I only think how perfect she looks and how hey if it worked for her then it can work for me too.......I would give everything to be skinny and to look better and to feel better about myself.

When I worked on the winter retreats at my camp they did a skit mocking one of those makeover shows and hte outcome of it was that nomatter how skinny they got or how pretty they were they still didn't feel right until along came someone who trusted in God and felt great and they saw that it was their sin holding them back. Then they felt perfect and free......why can't I feel that!

I trust in God, I know that in his eyes I am perfect and I have repented and I am forgiven but I still feel like crap and ppl still shit on me when I need them most and it just never seems to work out!

Everyday I feel stuck in a rut, I just can't seem to fathom that so many things are possible. I dream of space and its enormity and I get sick to my stomach now when I look at the sky. I don't understand how I can write this here and someone in the philipines could read it, or how I can sit and talk on the phone to a friend who is half the country away with no problem. It all feels so impossible and so fake.

the way I feel so many times feels fake and it just isn't fair or right.......because I try and be honest and I try and be kind, but apparently I am just a bitch, and I can't do anything right. I don't want to be someone different, I just wnat to be me, and hte more I stay here the less I feel like me, the more I am drained of my energy to be me.

Basically I have decided to stop eating....I know it is horrible, btu I know no other way, I have tried dieting, I have tried excersizing and none of it works, the more I diet the hungrier I get, and the more I excercise the hungrier I get, so I will just suppress my whole appetite, thousands of ppl do it everyday........so I will too

I know that is horrible and I knwo a million things i could say to talk myself out of it, or to talk others out of it, I am using it to keep my best friend alive right now.....

The 2 shrinks I went to said that I was perfectly fine, in fact my mind they said was healthier than many teenagers they new because I am Intrapersonal, which means I am self actualized, I know myself very well. and I know this.

but I will destroy myself eventually I have to admit it, I guess everyperson does eventually! so I just need ppl to I dunno......I write this here to hear ur alls reaction, I couldn't write this where broad friends of mine could read this. BUt I can write it here, because you are so far unopinionated of me, so judge me now.....because really I feel right now that I could care less!

~Airotciv

what a day!

2005-02-11T19:05:00.000-06:00

ok so new one here, now I can bitch at school on a site where others can read it! YAY FOR THAT! Today totally sucked! My poor Dani is in the pits, and everything has gone wrong, it was an ok day until I opened my eyes early this morning! That time of the month and I wanted to look nice today and in the end I felt like crap! and I feel like I look like crap...I can't loose any fucking weight! DAMN ME! and hten I go and pig out on salsa and chips! Dani has the right idea of not eating! Senior night for basketball tonight! Post Prom soup supper......which is crap! I have band at 6:30 and so I stuck around after school to do stuff I needed to do and I have done none of it....like usual!

lati-da.....felt like trying this out....this site might have some pretty cool features!

well I suppose I must do what is needed to be done, one quick thing:

What is the disease where you are tired all the time, you feel sick, seem lazy, and continuosly have "I don't want to grow up I'm a TOYS R US kid going through your mind? ANSWER: Senioritis....yup that is me!

well time to continue on with my way stressing life that has put me on the edge of a breakdown!